Free Will
24-04-01 / April 1st, 2024
Has it really been that long? I was never good at this sort of thing. My aged journal from primary school is just one example of that.
A lot had happened since that time. I can't even remember what I was talking about the last time I wrote something here.
What I do know, however, is that I'm here because I'm desperate again, slowly typing as my sleepy brain fails me.
I've been falling into a pit of isolation and stress all over again, feeling like I'm losing control but also not knowing how to gain any control.
My hair and skin hasn't been doing me any favours. I'm also back to biting my nails. At least I'm going to have a full-time job, but I didn't want to stay at that place.
I don't want to be here anymore. I don't know where to go. I don't want to live.
I want to live, just not like this.
I've always wondered about if freedom was strictly just a curse. Of course, I probably know the actual answer. But the fact that I've questioned and juggled the thought lots is reflective of how I earnestly feel.
I wish I had none of it to begin with. I already don't feel like I have much of it now to begin with. So I wish it was stripped from me entirely.
Real men would be able to go ahead and forge their own destiny by now. Over a year and a half and I have gotten nothing done yet.
I still don't think I've actually cleaned the house in full or gotten rid of the things I said I would since winter started.
And I can't say I've been taking good care of myself. I do everything day-by-day. Sometimes I wonder how I don't seem to be having health problems yet, but it might be a matter of time. I have mentally clocked out from work, and worry I've clocked out of a daily routine, too.
Just trying to distract myself with fantasies and fun things. Over and over. For the longest time. I've always been like that. I don't know how to get out of this spot and start using all my free time. I have too much of it. I wish I could trade it away for someone who wishes they had that. Because I certainly haven't been learning another language, learning some new skill, working on a project that I'd actually end up being proud of, learning life skills... Maybe a little bit of it all, but not enough to explain what I've been up to this whole time.
Everything looks too bleak here. Spiritually, politically, personally. I've gotten "accustomed" to living alone, but it's not something I'm proud of. As the decade has been so far, I'm living life treating everything like a phase or an arc, as though I'm slowly coasting for a day where someone will pick me up and do the work for me.
I'm scared that it's really what I want.
So that's why I hate my free will.
That's why I wish I had none of it. That my life was already predestined by others, or at least having all the choices be explicitly chosen by anyone but me.
I'm not a person who can coexist with freedom, I think. I don't see how all this time that's passed in the past few years did anything for me. I will never be the man I envisioned. I am horrified it will be too late to make my family happy and proud, that I won't let the both of them rest easy and get out of this. I wish I could help my brother and his precious, so, so badly. But I am a dead weight.
How I wish it was predetermined that I had no interests in my current interests.
How I wish it was predetermined that I was a hard worker with strong intuition.
How I wish it was predetermined that I was raised strictly religious.
How I wish it was predetermined that my use of time was real. That I didn't care about tech, media, games, so on.
How I wish it was predetermined that I didn't care about girls.
How I wish it was predetermined that I could be sent away to actually do something with my able body and come back with rewards to share with those I love.
How these things give me stress. How I can only daydream about a more confident life, just comparing my own problems with the problems of other people who have it either better or worse.
How I sit here, typing in this file like it's going to do me any good. I simply don't know how to make my own destiny. I wish it was done for me, because as it stands, I will simply end up leeching off of others in today's world, unable to start from scratch all by my lonesome. That is truly a disappointment for everyone.
If only I had ambition, knew how to get things done.
If only I visited my neighbour before he passed away. I was surely the last one who could have done so. Who could've at least sat down and had one nice talk. Just to see him and bring him some food or something, even if once. But my free will consisted of being a shut-in and tuning out the rest of the world. And now there are things I heavily regret missing out on. I hope he can forgive me and my family.
I've done nothing and it's so tiring. That's not a good thing.
Anyway, if it wasn't obvious, I've let myself go quite a bit. Maybe I was always like this. Dunno. It's way past midnight and my eyes are barely open.
I have a video to upload tomorrow. And after that, I will probably neglect to do my chores again. Yet another bad look for me. Especially when I fantasized about doing dishes for someone special to me.
My life would've been way easier if I wasn't interested in girls.
April Fools, right?
∎