While
21-07-07 / July 7th, 2021
Today's Song
How many days has it been since?
How many days has it been since I was left alone here?
How many days since I've felt too hollow to recount my feelings?
How many days since I've found myself to be unable to succeed against my wishes?
How many days since I've figured out that I cannot even confide in my loved ones?
How many days since I have continued to feel so completely lost, even after trying to humble myself?
Especially given that I'm awake on an early morning such as this, for once?
It's been a while. For most of these things. Perhaps not too long for some. That's for myself to decipher.
But, because of that, it's certainly been many, many days since I've thought up of things to splash down onto this file, or casual things to talk about. Things to try and lighten up the mood amidst my embarassing negativity. Long enough, certainly, to forget whatever what I wanted to think about. As they say, I won't remember it, because it sure won't be important in any case.
Anyway... It's not like I feel like there's much to say today, either. I type all this on some sort of quick whim, anyway, and I'll either suddenly pick up the pace or cut this short altogether. What's really getting to me is how much time until I face the consequences of this year's ordeal, whatever it may be, and what happens when I run out of the willpower to do as much as have a vent like this.
Unsurprisingly enough, I did not succeed in even passing my test here to get my first language level. Mostly due to how horribly it was handled, not to the fault of the school, probably. Furthermore, I missed the opportunity to apply for a further exam. I have no words, but I do have a creeping suspicion that I'm clinically insane, and, truthfully, had some tears to spare.
But given that it was the summer, and information for trying to get myself on track anyway was scarce, it didn't take long before I was questioning everything. I lost the will to learn. And I couldn't even bring myself to learn how to live alone due to a sheltering figure that does everything for me despite doing worse as a figure. It's truly worse than literally being alone, and I call myself being alone despite that. I cannot even support myself.
Incriminating statements aside, it's been awful, to say the least. I tried to do productive things, but as usual, my complete aimlessness is killing me on the inside. I don't step out for long periods of time, even though I try to at least do some floor exercises. But it's all just a distraction, all of it. I think everything I've done ever since coming here was a distraction. It's been seven months and never before in my life have I felt so empty and worthless.
Of course, I blame the current world state for it. But I can't help but feel I somehow lied to myself in some way, especially given that I did not want to feel the sense of waste or ignorance ever again. But despite that desire, I've ended up doing pretty much the same thing the last few times I was overseas - and somehow did way worse, too, despite being older. Maybe it's the setting. Or something else. Yeah, it's likely the setting and all.
So with that in mind, the advancing questioning is, "what happens next". Will I go back to the west? Maybe. But objectively speaking, staying and going are both bad options. I have nothing here nor do I have the ability or will to learn any more than I have to integrate myself here. On the other hand, my province is handling our new normal horribly. The mentally insane will say it's somehow justified, but from what's really happening, the rights and freedoms my country stand for are effectively being revoked. This isn't over war or something. It's over a thing that's a completely moot point that's trying to blame normal people instead of the people higher up in the society ladder. Such as striking a deal with inns and trying to chug some cash flow back into them... The lucky big few, anyway, which don't actually care for the pandemic either with how they do things, lol. It's one big joke.
I almost ended up ranty there. But it's not the point. It just goes to show how screwed over and uncertain going back is. If the stuff they're doing is normalized, then how far can boundaries be pushed whereas other lands are slowly heading towards the normal that I've lost hope in? If my goal is to stop being useless and to go to work or just get WHATEVER education, then will I be prevented from doing so? With all the things that are going on in this time, will my right to be skeptical be a sign that I'm going to be in for a hard time trying to re-settle myself? I could be paranoid, but I certainly have my reasons.
Regardless, I somehow feel the trouble is better than staying idly here any longer. Perhaps people would love to be in my sort of spot. I may have already mentioned this, but I wouldn't mind trading places with some wagie who's always wanted to travel. It's embarassing how wide my lack of enthusiasm is. But really, I just need a reason to do things. I can't even do that much for myself. Even if people talk about me behind my back, even if I'm a broken person, I'll accept it. I just want to at least the bare minimum for others, very much more.
I don't know if I made it clear what my thoughts are this morning. Probably not. I'm already feeling quite a bit tired.
No matter how much I try to fill myself with water, I'm done only after three large mugs. Not enough to make the toilet clear. I feel like I don't have much of an appetite, too. I don't think I'm unhealthy, at least. Because it's not like I'm doing anything with my energy at all, or step out, or do anything at all. But I know my face is in rough shape.
Wow, I really haven't written as much as I thought, have I? I'd hate to really be a writer. That's why roleplay is nice. You're not tasked with quotas, and you can might as well re-use stuff later if you really feel like it.
I did a prayer - with two claps too, just in case. Perhaps a sign will be clearly pointing in the right direction for me. We'll see. I've also taken the time to thin out any social circles online. It's almost weird how nice it is to only need one scroll to get to the bottom of a list, instead of several.
'Till next time.
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