Bad Things
21-05-03 / May 3rd, 2021
Today's Song
Why do people do bad things?
Well, not like I'm explaining that here. Hell if I know.
Hell if I know why people lie about others, prefer to pride themselves within their own thoughts and prayerless emotions, only existing to be a complete siren that somehow attracts people in the way music does, instead of alarming them and causing them to flee.
And it's not like I know why these people rule the world, have these sort of connetions, have followings, and breed on this sort of behaviour for the next generation.
But it's not like I know why I'm even thinking about this. I've already blown a whole weekend trying to make somemthing nice in the name of catharsis. And I like the result.
Like always, though, I'm left feeling the same as always. Unfufilled, incomplete, lost, blah blah.
And then I think back to the things I was really working on myself. What was I even doing anything for? How many hours have I put into projects that are fruitless? What about my supposed magnum opus, that I was supposed to have released over a year ago, and haven't touched for so long? Despite the fact that what's left to do should be only a matter of time and nothing else?
I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's the work - in honesty, I think it's because subconsciously, I expect nothing but the silence that'll follow once I display any work I do to the world. All that... and I'll only get the wind. It's only natural, given the type of things I do.
I'm certain it will be like that. Maybe for anything I do. Once I put in enough effort into something, I'll start snowballing for a while. And on the off-chance that I complete it, it'll leave me unsatisfied. Even if the feeling of finally working on something comes around and makes me glad. It's all just temporary. Not like I can concentrate on anything else. There's not much else I'm good at, as stated. It's all a very bad thing, especially when I get back to cracking at my final project knowing all this. Not like I know if a mere ROM hack is the end of the line.
And then I look to others, and see that they're being successful. Depending on the person, I might be glad. Sometimes I'm envious. And then there's the people who don't deserve such things who gain repute and fame. "Certainly, I could have ended up that way somewhere along the line? Perhaps a local event in my hometown, or maybe I did something funny, or that one upstart company decided they'd gamble on me..."
It's not very relaxing, is it, even if it's daydreaming. I don't like daydreaming too much, because sometimes my daydreams are too good. To the point that I have daydreamed about being unable to daydream momentarily. And sometimes, I'll feel that about dreams, though much less because I don't think I get many dreams anymore.
If I daydream, I do those things again. I think about bad people, bad experiences, and bad things once again. Does this mean I wouldn't be thinking this way if I was bad? No, of course not. But maybe people who don't care too much are able to do just that - not think. Of course, nothing's that simple, either, and I'm no child to just be thinking about this, but this world doesn't seem very balanced for what it's become, ever since this information race has begun.
This information age is probably why I think too much, why I consider doing too many things with no benefit.
Maybe that's why I was so awful at school.
What does this mean, then, for my learning here? Can I really complete something like learning a language, integrating in this foreign land, and so on? Once again, I may be a broken record, but I feel like... Well, I don't know. I don't know what I want to place into words.
School is the goal. That's all there is to it.
I guess I'll keep trying until, well, it blows up in my face and I disappoint everyone ever. I think things would have been way better if I didn't feel so weighed down by stuff. Feel the need to leave nothing complete that I care about, to the point that it pushes onto things that maybe I should be doing instead. Though, I already stated that I don't know what those other things are.
I care. I care, and I want to do good things. But I am limited to the mediums I can do good things through. I am limited to what world I can show them through these mediums. I am a speck, and one that isn't able to think about doing something original, or learn how to be self-reliant. I've always needed to be a part of something else, for some reason. That's how it's always been.
Yeah, that really is annoying. I'd love to --
I can't even finish that thought. I'm going in circles, as always. It'll end up being about how I just can't. Anchored by other things, too irresolute to be engaged. And so I will stay in place, until something just happens to pass by in my arm's reach.
Yeah, as if I even do that much. I only get carried. Maybe unlike bad people, who managed to find their way maybe by having to compete with other bad people. And perhaps I'm in that limbo where I'm emotional, dare I say nice in this day and age, but having lived in a glass sphere the rest of the time.
I'll try to do it. I must do it.
I need to suck it up and finish it. No matter what, so it can finally be in the past. It's been the present for too long. I have been left alone for a while. I must go into a new age.
And so, I tell myself that with resolve, though it'll always just be words, likely. To truly act on such words is nothing short of a miracle.
I should be going to bed. I cannot wait to wake up restless and attend a web classroom where I can't even focus or absorb any of the information going on in there. I wish I could wait, but I did make a promise.
And now, I will resolve myself to learn on the side without the need for such things... ...even though it will now conflict with the resolved me from a minute ago. See how silly this cat-and-mouse is? I just can't juggle. Never bothered to, never cared to.
Very well. I'll just continue to stay afloat, and see if there are waves anytime soon. I will hope I do not do any bad things.
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