Pain
21-04-29 / April 29th, 2021
Today's Song
I overslept today, but in fact, I woke up how I did every other day. I was supposed to wake up at like eight in the morning because they keep changing things around, and of course I missed it. While fumbling around to find my bus pass (which seems to be missing right now), I realized something was slowly becoming weirder and weirder with my abdomen. I went to the washroom, found myself to be upset, then after a while, went back down only to feel the need to lay down a little.
It was already twelve now, and as my stomach and below started making lots of funny noises while feeling hollow, I sort of found it a blessing that I didn't go, even though I'm missing out on a booklet and God-knows-what-else, lesson and news-wise. It's not like it'd do me any good going to the bathroom like five times over there, and I seriously couldn't stand too much for my body didn't seem to like that today. So I laid down most of the time, sometimes in a trance as I felt several waves of nausea and fatigue pass me by. I was told maybe I should break my fast, but I didn't consider it that important. Soon enough, I was eventually feeling better before the start of the evening, and later I caught up with lots of water.
It wasn't enjoyable, and it's not like I properly gave this excuse to the teacher. But I feel like I was more productive doing Duolingo a lot in bed than I would be in class, maybe. But maybe part of all this was how I was staying up late dooming myself out of misery. And, well, I glance up to see that I wrote "today", but it's about 2 A.M., so today's not that different. And this following morning's gonna be the same thing. I have to get ready at nine so that we do an *online* class. Not like I've ever done that sort of thing before, and I sure as hell ain't getting any information about it, as usual.
Google Meet. Never used it. Never bothered to learn it, don't care for Google stuff. I was hoping there'd be something better but it still seems as sketchy as you can get, for a class. If I manage to actually wake up under little sleep, then I'll just pop it open in a VM I have set up. God forbid I have to use my camera, though. I don't see why I'd need to, but it's a possibility. What's worse is that I dunno what we're even gonna learn. Or how. Is this a whiteboard? Is there gonna be a video stream?
...Sheesh, yeah, probably, who am I kidding. There's gonna be a video, probably. Now my data plan is gonna get gobbled up, unless there's a quality selector. I don't have much left since there's only a few days left in my cycle, but hopefully it's just like the rest of Google services where quality is an option. Unlike Discord, at least Google somewhat can compress their stuff. Not like it matters, because at the end of the day, I really don't know what's going on with that class anymore. It feels like what I signed up for and what I got are completely, *completely* different things. And I don't know if I like it.
Like, seriously, it feels like I'm suffering and sitting through these like a chore instead of actually learning. I know and understand ben-in and ben-a stuff on my own. Not like I didn't get some stuff cleared up to me in the classroom, but you really can't piece together much more than what you see written when you're only hearing an explanation in Turkish, with classmates who are into their own groups and don't say much else either.
I don't know if I made a "mistake". Mistake is very subjective. I feel fine in Turkey, for the most part, apart from this complete hellhole we call the pandemic. I think what's more troubling are just the circumstances. Who I'll now be staying with, the responsibility of suddenly being practically alone as a man-child, the fact that this city isn't quite that big for me to understand things easily, the irony that the apartment sellers are already getting sued and ghosting others, so on so forth. Everything is fine, mostly, except for the things that creep up on you when you're not being distracted.
I want to make people proud of me. I do. But I find it hard to when it's me involved. I can only fantasize how things could be if I were a little different. If I just didn't drone on and on and on within some crummy site past midnight. I really want to make my mother happy. But while reaching that goal, I'm hitting blocks that I can push, but can't figure out if I can just jump over them instead or if they're actually just a small part of a massive contraption that'll serve as a Great Wall.
I'm reaching that point again where I really don't think I know what I'm writing anymore. To say the least, I think it'd be disappointing to my family if they found this entry, and the last one, and all the ones I may write in the future. I'm surprised I decided to write up this one, anyway.
But I sincerely hope that my sibling doesn't think I'm ghosting him. It's just that it never feels like a good time to talk to anyone when I feel like I haven't been moving anywhere from where I was the last time we spoke. That, and I didn't have time to clean myself. Things around here are in a state of being superpositionally busy and not busy.
I'm gonna go eat and try to wake up on time this morning. Something tells me there's a chance I won't, and it'll probably bite me in the ass. Not like my ass doesn't have countless bites on it to begin with.
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